Chelly
Posts : 32
Babies : 0
Join date : 2011-02-13
 |  Subject: History project monologue shit  2011-04-03, 9:02 pm | |
| BELLA I NEED YOUR HELPPPPPPPPPPP Help me edit this plox. - fail:
Roger Hale Sheaffe Monologue
In 1802, I came to Canada, being transferred from my post in Holland. By 1811 I rose to the rank of Major General. I took command of the forces at Fort George when General Issac Brock went to battle William Hull’s army at Queenston Heights. When Brock died, I not only took over of all Canadian forces but I also inherited the position of civil administrator of Upper Canada.
Even though I was a high ranked military officer, I was disliked by many of the people I served, probably because of my American background. Some men at Fort George even plotted to kill me.
By 1813, Upper Canada was at its most vulnerable state, I was to take the blame for that. Then in April 1813, I went to York to do battle, however I was greatly outnumbered, so I had to retreat. This action however, earned me the ire of many Upper Canadians.
I'd make it longer, but if you say it out loud it has to be within 1-2 minutes. No longer no shorter. so yeah.... D8 | |
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Whatsername
Posts : 91
Babies : 5
Join date : 2011-02-13
Age : 27
Location : Behind your window
| | Subject: Re: History project monologue shit 2011-04-03, 9:09 pm | |
| This is 1-2 minutes? It seems shorter... Either way, grammar awkwardness toward the end. -edits- - Chelly wrote:
- Then in April 1813, I went to York to do battle. However, I was greatly outnumbered, so I had to retreat.
- Chelly wrote:
- This action, however, earned me the ire of many Upper Canadians.
You should use a different word instead of however, since you used it in the sentence before. - Chelly wrote:
By 1813, Upper Canada was at its most vulnerable state. I was to take the blame for that. + Maybe you should say why he was to blame {unless you said that earlier and I missed it?} | |
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Whatsername
Posts : 91
Babies : 5
Join date : 2011-02-13
Age : 27
Location : Behind your window
| | Subject: Re: History project monologue shit 2011-04-03, 9:12 pm | |
| Oh and, -too lazy to edit earlier post- when you say In 1813 and then In April 1813, it's kind of redundant.
Maybe say 1813, then "In the April of that year" or something of the sort. | |
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Chelly
Posts : 32
Babies : 0
Join date : 2011-02-13
| | Subject: Re: History project monologue shit 2011-04-03, 9:19 pm | |
| - Whatsername wrote:
- This is 1-2 minutes? It seems shorter...
Either way, grammar awkwardness toward the end. -edits-
- Chelly wrote:
- Then in April 1813, I went to York to do battle. However, I was greatly outnumbered, so I had to retreat.
- Chelly wrote:
- This action, however, earned me the ire of many Upper Canadians.
You should use a different word instead of however, since you used it in the sentence before.
- Chelly wrote:
By 1813, Upper Canada was at its most vulnerable state. I was to take the blame for that.
+ Maybe you should say why he was to blame {unless you said that earlier and I missed it?} The size of this font makes it look like a barely wrote anything. 8C And all my notes don't say anything about why he was to blame. | |
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Whatsername
Posts : 91
Babies : 5
Join date : 2011-02-13
Age : 27
Location : Behind your window
| | Subject: Re: History project monologue shit 2011-04-04, 12:24 pm | |
| Maybe you should try looking it up?
Or you can just take that part out, because saying that without explaining makes it seem a bit random. | |
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| | Subject: Re: History project monologue shit | |
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