Just some thoughts.

This is only going in the happy section because I should accept the change and move on in life.

Yes, it's long. No one is expected to read it. I just need somewhere to put down spare thoughts.

Recently, some old friends reminded me of old times, and I have to remember; I used to be an idiot. No one minded; no one really remembers all the mistakes I made. People look at me as I am now. But I have to realize just how odd all the changes in my life are. I started going on the internet more when I was much younger, I don't even remember when; ten or eleven years old, maybe twelve. I was immature, random, hyperactive. I laughed at everything and thought my way was the only way that was right. I contradicted myself and bossed others around. I said stupid things and didn't know how to make them right again.

Something else that changed is my writing. People used to think of me as gifted, but only now am I realizing why. Because I was little. Younger kids never write, they hate writing, and all that comes out of their mouths is stream-of-consciousness blether. I just happened to be able to think about what I put down before it comes out, and suddenly, my words seem like gold in older eyes. But now that I'm nearing high school, there are so many more expectations. There's a thing I have to memorize now, it's called "formal" writing. "Nonfiction". "Expository". I have to have cutting-edge organization and the proper format for something to be considered at least mediocre.

Whatever happened to the description and dialogue I would weave so perfectly? None of it matters now. There I was, being called gifted and being praised by teachers everywhere.
Here I am now, snubbed the Honors class I deserved.

Basically, all I'm saying is, I grew up. I actually grew up, and I'm surprised at myself. I've suffered through every sort of emotion, sorting my way through raging hormones and trying to find myself amid the mess. I've been depressed, I've cut myself, I admit to that. I've thought about killing myself, and how easy ending all the stress could be. But I'm a happy person, generally; and thats what I need to find again.

Now that I've grown up, I need to grow down.

I need to find my old stupid self amid the tall, classy teenage girl I am today. I need to remember what it was like to not care what other people think of me, to go off on my own adventures without someone explaining my boundaries. I need to take the earplugs out of my ears and listen to what everyone has to say before deciding that I can't do it, that I shouldn't bother, that I should play it safe. Because I can do whatever I want. I just don't realize it yet.

All my old friends are gone, and only now am I lamenting over their departure. But, I have plenty of new friends; all of you. All of my new friends at school. All the people who've moved away have moved away and there's nothing I can do. Everyone needs to move on sometime...

Have I?

Oh, but being an idiot was so fun.